• Responsibility makes me nervous.
• They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
• Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
• The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

Job responsibilities:  

• While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
• I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

Special interests and job activities:  

• Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
• I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

Physical Disabilities:  

• Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

Personal interests:  

•   Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. 

Small typos that can change the meaning:  

• Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
• Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
• Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
• I’m a rabid typist.
• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.