Trine Blogs: Grandma

I’ve written previously about how it can be difficult to be away from your family as an exchange or international student. Mostly it’s the little things you miss, like your dad’s lame jokes (also just referred to as “dad jokes”), your mum’s cooking and your sibling’s complete lack of interest in what’s going on in your life (or anyone’s life, for that matter, unless it can be conveyed by text message). But regardless of how far you move away, you’ll still have to be without those things in your everyday life, and it gets easier after a little while. And being an exchange student is often fun and pretty care-free (even if you are a busy, boring Master’s student) – all you have to worry about is if you’ll make the deadline for that silly paper, and if you remembered to buy milk for the soup you wanted to make.

The feeling of being far from home returns when there are troubles within the family back home, such as arguments or break-ups or illness. My grandmother is in the hospital right now, for the second time within a year. Or maybe it’s the third time; I’ve lost track, time seems to be going by so fast. She hasn’t been doing very well for a while now. Everyone’s going to see her this weekend, but I can’t go.

What do you do when you’re stuck abroad in situations like this? We all tell each other that we’ll wait and see; maybe she’ll be sent back home on Tuesday like the doctors said and life will carry on. But if she doesn’t get to go home, if her heart decides it’s done its job now, then what? My brother has gone off to Thailand this morning and won’t be back until mid-April. I know he’s been looking forward to, and planning for, this trip for months now (despite not telling anyone he planned on going). It’ll be his last chance to go on a crazy trip with one of his best friends before he starts university and has to be a “serious” student with the mandatory student debt. I want him to go off and have a good time and not worry about grandma. But I also don’t want to worry about grandma when I’ve got the flu and am getting ready for the largest and most important part of my thesis project. I don’t want to worry about booking a last-minute, over-priced ticket home and facing something dreadful.

It’s selfish. The only thing I want to worry about is whether my brother will catch the Japanese meningitis his friend is so worried about (in Thailand?), and what to get my boyfriend for his 25th birthday, and whether this flu will ever, ever go away or if I’ll be breathing out of one nostril for the rest of my life. I knew grandma was ill for a long time; I knew there might be a risk that she would get worse while I was away. I just didn’t think it would actually happen.

Life carries on regardless. I know that. It’s a difficult subject, is death, and it’s not something that is discussed often in everyday conversations. Not until it comes close, and then it becomes an even more touchy and upsetting subject. I don’t know. This is my first grandparent (out of 6; we have a weird family) that is close to… not being here anymore. It’ll happen at some point, I know that too, but I just don’t want it to be right now. How did all this time go by so fast?

I was abroad when a close friend was going through major boyfriend issues and needed a Bridget Jones night with too much wine. I was abroad when my brother broke up with his girlfriend (and wanted advice on when he could start dating again). And now I’m abroad when my grandma’s ill. I used to crave going out on an adventure, away from home, but now I’m not so sure anymore.

But that’s what adult life is about, I suppose – making decisions and accepting the consequences. Such as not being able to get drunk on cheap white wine and belt out a horrible version of “I’m Every Woman”, or tell your brother that sexting a co-worker is extremely inappropriate, or holding your grandma’s hand when she’s not feeling well and maybe asking her all those questions you thought you’d have plenty of time to ask her.

Trine Larsen (23) from Denmark studies Management of Cultural Diversity at Tilburg University and blogs for Univers.