Love lessons from Tila Pronk: ‘Attraction isn’t always a good sign’

Twelve years after her debut Hartstocht, Tila Pronk is back with a new book: Liefde Verandert (Love Changes). The love scientist and social psychologist shares her insights about relationships. ‘You don’t have to pull the plug on your relationship just because it isn’t perfect.’

The title of your book is Love Changes. Has the way people fall in love changed too? Does the spark now mostly happen online rather than during a night out?

‘There are still plenty of people who fall in love while going out, but a shift has certainly occurred. Nowadays, the vast majority of couples meet online, which is directly related to the popularity of dating apps.

‘These apps make it easier than ever to find a potential partner, but it also seems harder to hold onto love and build a lasting relationship. Both the search for love and the role that love plays in our lives have taken on a new form.

‘But it’s not just the times that have changed. My book is also about how relationships change, as well as the changes we go through ourselves. Love is constantly evolving, and that’s perfectly normal. I want to show people that this change isn’t something to fear, but something to embrace. The key is to learn from these changes and draw the right lessons from those experiences.’

What lessons about love do you wish you had learned earlier?

‘I’ve fallen into every trap I describe in my book. But the most important lesson I wish I’d understood sooner is about “the spark.” I used to look for instant attraction and excitement, but that often led me astray.

‘It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in love or that you’ve met the man of your dreams. If someone makes you feel nervous, it could even mean that this person isn’t a safe choice for you at all.

‘I’m just not sure if I would’ve been ready to hear this lesson earlier. And if you’re not ready for such a lesson, nothing happens with it. Still, I could’ve saved myself a lot of trouble had I known that attraction and nerves aren’t always good signs.’

Should you even look for that spark at the beginning of a relationship?

‘No, I don’t think so. Though it depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re after an adventure, I understand that you won’t take the time to let that spark slowly ignite. But if you’re looking for a stable, loving partner, that initial spark isn’t always the best guide for everyone. It’s better to take your time to discover if there’s a romantic connection.’

What do you think is the biggest challenge in love?

‘Something I was lucky to learn quite early as a relationship scientist is that love changes a lot over the course of a relationship. At first, the feelings are intense, and you see everything through rose-tinted glasses. But over time, those “in-love” hormones fade, and you start to think critically again. This has confused me before, but now I know that it’s a normal experience.

‘When you realize after a while that not everything in your relationship is perfect, it doesn’t mean you have to pull the plug. But you do need to stay aware of what’s happening and whether the relationship is still a good one for you.’

Do older and younger generations handle changes in relationships differently?

‘Absolutely. Older generations tend to be more patient with their partners and are also less used to the fast pace of online dating. Younger generations want things to constantly sparkle, excite, and keep moving. For example, I often hear people say they call it quits after one or two dates because the other person isn’t the one for them. But I think having a bit more patience is very important in love.

‘I believe we can all learn from each other—young and old, queer and straight, monogamous or in an open relationship. Sharing experiences with an open mind is extremely important. It can help you appreciate (or re-appreciate) your partner and relationship, but also spot any red flags. That critical perspective can help you make better choices so you don’t end up stuck in a relationship that doesn’t work for you.’

What’s your best dating advice for students?

‘I teach Social Psychology to first-year psychology students, and I always dedicate one lecture to a Q&A about love. For that lecture, I receive, without exaggeration, hundreds of questions from students.

‘I see many students struggling with the choice between being in a relationship and living the single life. There are so many options nowadays that it’s easy to remain in a state of doubt. That causes stress for students. But the key is to fully commit to something. My advice is: make a choice and go for it.

‘If you’re single, enjoy that freedom. And if you meet someone who might be worth it, dive in and give it an honest chance. Accept that every choice has pros and cons. Not every choice will be perfect, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong one.’

_Advertentie.