We’re afraid of failure, says psychologist Ellen Dreezens: ‘After one minute on LinkedIn, I already feel bad’

What is failure, why are we afraid to fail, and why do we feel so miserable when we do? We are too often guided by societal expectations, says psychologist Ellen Dreezens. But ‘success matters far less than we think.’

The lecture hall at Tilburg’s LocHal library is packed with people of all ages, sitting on the steps. It says something about the interest in the Studium Generale lecture The Psychology of Failure. After all, failure is something we all know.

Drawing on scientific research, and with humour and a sense of perspective, Ellen Dreezens, psychologist and lecturer at Tilburg University, explains that as a society, we focus on the wrong things. ‘The idea that you are happy if you are successful is not necessarily true.’ Univers speaks to Dreezens a few days after her lecture on campus.

What exactly is failure?

‘There are various definitions of failure, but I think it comes down to not achieving your goals. Say you have set yourself the goal of getting your driving licence before a certain age, but you don’t manage it. For many people, that feels like failure.

‘What we often forget is that we usually don’t set our goals ourselves; they are largely shaped by societal norms.’

And what if you see another student passing courses with ease while you struggle?

‘That is more a matter of social comparison. It is natural for people to compare themselves socially with others; it tells you something about where you stand. You are always better or worse than someone else, and there is nothing strange about that.

‘The problem is that it is becoming increasingly difficult to compare yourself with others in a healthy way. There is more and more material to compare ourselves with, and it is becoming increasingly extreme, particularly on social media. In the past, people compared themselves with others in their village. Today, we have access to ‘abnormal’ people. Comparing yourself with them can lead to anxiety and insecurity.

‘We see the Beyoncés of this world, for example. If you compare yourself with them, you seem completely out of place. Yet Beyoncé is the one who stands out. You wouldn’t have seen these kinds of exceptions before, but now they are everywhere. The world has been turned upside down: we compare ourselves with the exceptions.

‘On social media, you almost never see someone telling a story about how they fell flat on their face and, ouch, it hurt! Yet we spend a large part of our lives muddling through. We are certainly not successful all the time.

‘So compare yourself in a realistic way, for example with people who are in the same situation as you, or with your former self.’

You are not immune to social comparison yourself. During the lecture, you said: ‘After one minute on LinkedIn, I already feel bad.’

‘Yes, and I literally mean one minute. After that one minute, I have already seen five posts that make me feel bad. We often struggle to put what we see on social media into perspective. It is easier when you know people personally.

‘When you see a positive post from a friend or acquaintance, you know in the back of your mind: yes, but you were complaining about your personal life just the other day. Or: I know how incredibly much effort this achievement secretly cost you.’

Why are we afraid to fail in the first place?

‘Because we associate failure with being unhappy. Parents, for example, tell their children: it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you are happy. If you then do something and it doesn’t make you happy, it must be your own fault. After all, it was your choice, so you must have done something wrong. Yet it is genuinely impossible to be happy all the time. That is an unattainable goal.

‘Parents also try to protect their children from disappointment and mistakes, of course with the best of intentions. But if you learn from an early age how to deal with disappointment and mistakes, you can draw on those skills later in life, when you start studying or working.’

Why do we confuse success with happiness?

‘There are all kinds of myths about happiness. One is that having a house, money, a relationship, a job or good health makes you happy. But research shows that these circumstances account for only ten per cent of your level of happiness. Fifty per cent is genetically determined. The remaining forty per cent comes from behaviour, including gratitude, optimism, kindness, social relationships, the ability to enjoy things and forgiveness.

‘So success matters far less than we think, yet as a society we focus on it enormously. We see success stories all day long, everywhere around us.’

During the lecture, you talked about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Why is the distinction important?

‘Intrinsic motivation comes from within. When you are intrinsically motivated, you do things even when there is no reward, such as money or a grade, involved. Research shows that doing something because you genuinely want to leads to greater happiness, well-being and health. Happiness, then, can be found in intrinsic motivation.

‘With extrinsic motivation, you do something for the reward. As a lecturer, I would rather see students who are intrinsically motivated than students who do something because they need to get a good grade.’

How do you see the pressure to succeed affecting your students?

‘My students regularly say: it’s not about my happiness now, but about my happiness in the future. That’s why I’m studying myself into the ground, I’m incredibly stressed and I don’t have time for anything else. But once I have my degree, I’ll find a job, earn money and then I’ll be happy.

‘I find that really difficult to hear. I always ask them: what on earth are you doing? And what about the present? Isn’t studying allowed to be enjoyable too? Sometimes I have to talk until I’m blue in the face to persuade them to spend five minutes a day doing something they enjoy. Five minutes.

‘Many students, especially women, say they are perfectionists. The underlying idea is that if you choose to do something, you have to get everything right. If it goes wrong, it is your fault. As a result, students try even harder to succeed.

‘I think the idea that you have to give up happiness in the present in order to be happy in the future is a major problem. If you focus so much on the future, you fail to see what you need right now.’

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